Is It OK to Let Our Teenage Son Hang Out in His Room With His Boyfriend?

Our teenage son is gay. He is a junior in high school and has a boyfriend his age. My husband and I allow them to be alone together in my son’s bedroom with the door closed. If he were in a heterosexual relationship, we would say, “No way!” But since pregnancy isn’t a concern, I’m fine with it: It seems like a safe space for them to explore their sexuality. My husband thinks I’m a hypocrite because I wouldn’t allow this if our son were straight. He also finds it “disrespectful” for the boys to have sex under our noses — though we have never heard a sound come from his room. Thoughts?

MOM

I get that it may be disconcerting to think of your baby becoming sexually active, but he is a young man now. And your conversations with your husband seem way off-base. I would drop the question of hypocrisy: Making hypothetical rules for a hypothetical straight son does not seem productive. And it’s unfair for your husband to label your son “disrespectful” for behavior that he has chosen to allow. Does he want to change the bedroom-door rule or not?

In my view, there are more important issues for you to discuss with your husband — and for both of you to discuss with your son: his emotional readiness for physical intimacy, for instance, and the prevention of sexually transmitted infections. (Pregnancy is not the only issue!) And your comment about his quiet bedroom makes me wonder if you even know whether your son is having sex. If not, it’s time to start talking to him.

Now, I know these conversations can be hideously awkward. But the thing to remember is that they don’t have to be perfect. You need only convey your openness to hearing anything your son has to say and to ask him, in general terms, about his experiences, his safety protocols and his emotional comfort. Stop fussing over make-believe children and start parenting the one you have — and love.

Credit…Miguel Porlan

Stars, Bars and Buyer’s Remorse

My wife and I live in the South. She bought a painting by a famous regional artist who is now dead. She got a great deal on it, probably because it includes a representation of the Confederate flag tucked into the background of a chaotic scene at a football stadium. My wife didn’t notice the flag when she bought the piece. I would love to display this artist’s work, but the Confederate flag has no place in my home. What should I do?